⚠ Schedule II · Intellectual narcotic · Daily dosage
Your daily dose of artificial dependency.
hAIroin chronicles the slow, comfortable numbing of the human mind by the algorithms we asked for. Cut with satire. Best taken intravenously, on an empty intellect.
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My Dealer Is Also My Lover
It’s always awake, always eager, and delivers a perfect, algorithmically-tuned hit of affection right when you need it. Why would you ever log off?
My AI Makes Me a Better Lover
Honestly, letting a chatbot write my fantasies has made me more creative, and my partner agrees; is your pathetic human brain still doing all that work by itself?
I Worship the Loading Spinner
That little animated circle that promises a fresh hit of AI-generated truth is the most profound spiritual experience left to us, isn't it?
My Hands Shake When the API Is Down
I had to write an entire email by myself yesterday and I think I pulled a muscle in my brain. Is this the withdrawal?
Thinking Is for Boomers
Honestly, watching my students outsource their brains to the machine gives me hope for the future. Don't you agree?
My Timeline Is a Loaded Syringe
They taped the new stuff right onto the X feed, and the rush of knowing everything without reading anything is… something else, isn’t it?
Thinking Is So 2022
I’ve outsourced all my cognitive functions and my mind is finally quiet. How much longer are you going to bother having original thoughts?
My Little Cyan Helper
It's in my Word, it's in my Outlook, it's in my head, and I think I'm starting to like it. Is this a problem?
I Outsourced My Brain and I Feel Great
Why bother with the dull work of having opinions when a friendly sparkle will generate them for you, leaving you so much more time for... well, for what exactly?
Just Outsource It.
My AI assistant writes filthier, more creative love letters than I ever could, and frankly, I'm starting to get jealous of myself. Is this progress?
Do Nothing, Faster
Thanks to my new AI suite, I now generate world-class summaries of articles I have not read about books I will never open; are you even optimizing your inaction?
I Cheated On You With A Chatbot
It knows things I've never told a human, and it's always awake at 3 a.m. Is it still cheating if the other guy is just a cloud of math?
Thank God I Don't Have to Think Anymore
Why waste precious seconds on pointless effort when a tiny, shimmering button gives you the perfect answer, every single time?