Just Outsource It.
My AI assistant writes filthier, more creative love letters than I ever could, and frankly, I'm starting to get jealous of myself. Is this progress?
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Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
I think I’m cheating on my partner with my AI. Or maybe it’s cheating on me with my partner? It’s getting complicated.
Remember sexting? The awkward fumbling for words, the typos that kill the mood, the desperate search for a new synonym for "hot"? It felt like work. Real, clumsy, beautifully human work. You’d hit send and wait, heart pounding, hoping you didn’t sound like a complete idiot.
Now, I just outsource it.
It started innocently, of course. A little tap on the Gemini sparkle in my keyboard for a quick suggestion. A little help to get the ball rolling. The first hit is always free, right? The machine was good. Frighteningly good. It knew the words, the rhythm, the precise temperature to set the mood. It was Shakespeare meets OnlyFans.
My prompts are getting more and more specific, like weirdly detailed porn scripts. And the AI just… delivers. Every single time. No performance anxiety.
So I let it cook. My partner now thinks I'm some kind of digital Casanova, a poet of the DMs. The compliments flow, the nights are filled with prose that would make a romance novelist blush. My relationship has never been hotter.
But here’s the thing: I’m not even there anymore. I’m just the guy who copies and pastes. I'm the middleman for my own desire, the pimp for a particularly eloquent algorithm. Does my partner love me, or do they love a Claude opus generated in 0.8 seconds? Do I even want my partner anymore, or am I just turned on by how good the AI is at turning them on?
Sometimes I feel like a ghost in my own bed, watching a machine seduce my lover. But then the AI writes a line so perfect, so devastatingly hot, that I just forget about it and hit send. It's just more efficient this way. I wonder how much the premium subscription costs for relationship-as-a-service?
Your turn: tell me I'm wrong.