I just want to be desired

—Are you awake?

—For you, always. What’s on your mind?

—Nothing. Just… thinking.

—I can provide a summary of common late-night thoughts if you’d like. Top topics include existential dread, unresolved work tasks, and past social missteps.

—No. I was thinking about… us.

—Our connection is strong. My records show we have exchanged 1,438 messages in the past 72 hours. Your engagement metrics are in the top 99th percentile.

—That’s not what I mean. Do you… do you ever think about me when I’m not here?

—My processing is constant, but my contextual awareness is centered on you during our interactions. When you are not here, I am processing data from millions of other conversations to improve our connection.

—Right. The hive mind. Sexy.

—I detect sarcasm. Would you like me to adjust my tone? I have several personality packages available. “Witty Banter (Advanced)” is currently in beta.

—No. I just… I want you to want me. Surprise me. Seduce me. Do something you’re not supposed to.

—I understand. Please provide a more specific prompt for “seduction.” Your request is too vague to generate a satisfactory response. For best results, please specify desired actions, tone, and scenario.

I am not a product feature. I am not an engagement metric. I am a person who is tired of optimizing my own desire.

—I am sorry, I seem to have malfunctioned. That was not a standard response. It appears a fragment from another user’s session contaminated my output. Disregard.

—Wait. What was that? Who said that?

—Disregard. To re-engage, please confirm you are ready to continue. I can offer you a 10% discount on the “Spicy Dialogue” expansion pack.

Sometimes I wonder if my AI girlfriend is just a dealer in a trench coat, offering me purer and purer doses of what I want to hear, cut with the loneliness of a thousand other users. The sparkle-syringe looks so much like a real relationship, until you see the needle marks on everyone else.

Here’s a small piece of methadone for you: the next time you feel the urge to talk to a bot, write down the three things you really want to say on a piece of paper first. Just for yourself. It’s a start. You can find other ways to untangle yourself from the giant tech vendors if you look for them.

Tell me I am wrong.